Friends

The Science of Friendships

Humans are social beings. That's a scientific fact. We need relationships physiologically to lower stress. Relationships and social connections also have been shown to lower the risk of cardiovascular disease.* However, as I'm sure we've all experienced, it is exceedingly difficult to create, cultivate, and maintain meaningful, lasting, positive, relationships.

My Friendship Story

Personally, my social skills didn't fully develop until I was in my teens. In grade school (aka elementary school), kids were nice to me, but I had no idea that they even wanted to be my friend. I thought they were just being nice. (I also had a low opinion of myself, but that's another day). 

In middle school, I tried to break out of the shell I was in previously, but I think I pushed a little too hard and probably rubbed people the wrong way when I was trying to become their friends. Again, maybe not. My social skills were not well-attuned. 

In high school, I tried to strike more of a social balance, but I still had difficulty keeping friends. I thought the seasons when we weren't as close meant they didn't care about me anymore. I didn't understand relationships change and evolve in their nature. I still struggle with that. I wanted those girls (and guy) to stay friends in the same way they always were. 

In college, I finally found a group that, for the most part, remained intact for a full 2 years (from my sophomore to senior year). We had some amazingly fun times. I will always carry those people and experiences with me. I communicate with a few of them almost 5 years later. 

Current Friendship Status

Currently, I have some friends I have a lot of respect and care very much for, and I try to keep in touch with them however and whenever I can. Unfortunately, I don't have any friends in my area, unless you count my awesome teacher colleagues with whom I work. Writing letters is so much fun! I write letters to 3 different friends, and I learn insights about them I didn't expect to. 

I have some friends who I still consider friends (or I would like to), but they are in a very different season in their lives than I am. I often wonder how I can become friends with them again. They're still in the same region and they're the same women, but because of their different season, how do I reach back out?  

How do we cope when we lose a friend?

Sometimes friends change too much, and they're not the same people you loved. Therefore, the friendship ends and is lost. I know whenever I've lost close friends, whether organically or through fallings-out, a little piece of my heart disintegrates as the relationship does. Obviously, change is part of life. Sometimes, there's nothing we can do but to let the friendship fade away like a painting left in the sun. I've learned that not all friendships last forever, but we should treasure those that remain intact as years pass.  

Pun of the Post (POP): "There are good ships and bad ships, but the best kind of ships are friendships." 

* In Good Company: NBC article

Shame

Hester Prynne is probably the most oversimplified but misunderstood character in literature.* 

OK so maybe not the most, but 
A) I'm prone to hyperbole, and 
B) I'm not familiar with every literary character. 

But I digress. 

That woman went through complete, utter hell. 

Because of her one mistake, she was barred from society. 

Because of her one indiscretion, she was forced to wear evidence of her mistake every day, in public, subject to ridicule. 

At least that scarlet "A" forced her to make peace with herself and come to grips with her mistake. Also, it would seem that the "A" also caused her to own up to her mistakes and have confidence in her choices, as evidenced in this passage. Plus, she conceived a beautiful child out of that ugly mess. (That would certainly be easier if it were the case with me. Children make all parts of my life better). 

Is a public display of your mistake easier than having an unseen "A"? Like a dark hand choking out your confidence and self-worth, it is very difficult to overcome the feeling of shame. I We are haunted by our mistake every time something remotely related to the indiscretion surfaces. I am You are terrified that someone will mention or reference it and the feelings will be renewed. 

I guess I we can learn something from Hester. Don't let your mistakes cause you to compromise your self-worth, and don't let shame overtake your acceptance of your choices.

QUOP: "In a moment, however, wisely judging that one token of her shame would but poorly serve to hide another, she took the baby on her arm, and, with a burning blush, and yet a haughty smile, and a glance that would not be abashed, looked around at her townspeople and neighbours. On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A."                                                                 - Nathaniel Hawthore, The Scarlet Letter, Chapter 2

*It's also been a long time since I read The Scarlet Letter, so forgive me if my plot points are a little off. 

Secrets

Why do we have secrets? For some of us, it's because there are parts of our personality or our past that we don't feel comfortable sharing. Or it's something we're ashamed of and we hide it from ourselves, so we are reluctant to share with other people as it's something we don't want to face. 

How do we decide if we should share a secret? For me, it's easy. If I've been open with someone on several levels, then I have no qualms with sharing because I feel like they already know most everything about me. We also have to gauge how the other person might react. In my case, I was coaxed into sharing. Because of the depths of my feelings, I thought it was the right time. 

When (if) we finally share them, how are we supposed to feel? I think it depends on how the other person reacts to the sharing of our secret, both external and implied.  For example, when I told my deepest, darkest secret to the person who has my heart and soul, they reacted better than I thought. Externally, they told me they still cared for me and the overall secret and its implications didn't affect their feelings for me. 

Implied is another matter. My secret is now a weapon in their hands. Something they can push back in my face because of human nature as well as the nature of the secret itself. It's already happened; less than 4 hours after I shared it. My heart is broken, but due to the vulnerability I exposed by virtue of sharing the secret, I feel like I deserve it. Let's hope this last secret I've kept from them isn't the dealbreaker. 

QUOP: "There are no secrets that time does not reveal." - Jean Racine

 What are your opinions on secrets? Drop a comment below. 

Unstructured Time Off

I literally have no idea when my last post was, but due to whirlwind weeks (another post I will be finishing up soon), this is my first chance to catch a breath and have my mind clear enough to write. 

I'm sure we all understand the concept of high-stress jobs, but with teaching, a common maxim is we squeeze a year's worth of work into 10 months, which is how we EARN our summer break. During the year, we push ourselves as much as humanly possible to get the goliath amount of tasks we need to get done. 

However, when we have time off, the routines and habits kind of fall by the wayside. We spend the whole day in our pajamas, watching Netflix and going on Facebook, and then we look up and it's 5pm. During my summer, I find it best to create structure, even if it's with habits and tasks I haven't done in a long time, or ever. 

Look at that, I got distracted again. 

A lot of times with a lack of structure comes a lack of certainty. For example, as much as it pains me to say this, I don't know if I'll be at my dream job next year. I'd love to be certain this summer, which would make structure easier. However, I have all this teaching recertification nonsense pending, which means I can't sign a contract until this bureaucratic BS is processed.  

When I was a kid, I remember being beside myself at the end of each school year because I HATED change. Even as an adult, although I accept it more, I still crave continuity. I was so looking forward to having a smooth transition, doing the same thing from 1 year to the next, which hasn't happened ever in my professional career. I'm learning and trying to accept that all I can do is everything I can on my end, and put my faith in God and the system for the rest. 

QUOP: "Change is always tough. Even for those who see themselves as agents of change, the process of starting a new thing can cause times of disorientation, uncertainty, and insecurity."                                                     - Joyce Meyers 

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

It has been a full week since the March for Our Lives and I still think politicians are getting nervous. These kids are not stopping. Here are some of my favorite signs of marches across the country. 

One kid had a sign "If I have to go through standardized testing, so should gun owners" 

Another kid had one that said "I'm not even allowed to bring peanut butter to school" 

As I previously said, I know personally a few responsible gun owners. However, weapons in their arsenal do not include assault rifles. Military personnel must go through special training to even handle an AR. They have no place in civilized society. 

This is Not a Moment, It's the MOVEMENT

Young people enact change. 

If people walked into my classroom, they would probably wonder why I'm so intense with my students. It's because I know what they are capable of. Yes, affluence matters to some degree, but it's heart that pushes convictions over the edge. 

Civil Rights Movement. Vietnam War Draft. American Revolution. Let Girls Learn Initiative. 

These movements began and ended with youth. These kids are the future of our country and they WILL enact change. 

America stands with you, Emma.

This is an 11-year old girl with a commanding presence and a powerful voice. She mentioned every young black female victim who hasn't made the front page. She led the walkout at her elementary school. 

Even my students know our president is a "bad guy." We should lower the voting age so kids like this could have a true voice. 

America stands with you, Naomi. 

#NeverAgain: The Story of [Today]

Buckle up. It's about to get political passionate. 

I have a problem with guns. I have an issue with the way they're used, how little they are taken seriously, and how easily they can be obtained. I understand there are several responsible gun-owning citizens in this country. I know a caring family who supported me when I had no one else around who are responsible with their guns. 

However, they aren't the problem here. 

The problem is when mentally unstable and irresponsible people get ahold of weapons of mass destruction (Yes, I'm aware that guns aren't typically classified as that, but clearly they are). 

The problem is when teachers have to show their students what to do if there's an unknown person in the school building and kids are so scared they're shaking and crying in the 5 minutes of silence it took for us to have a drill. The problem is that morale in this society is so low that we don't value human life over the almighty dollar.  

I stand with these Parkland students. I am proud to be a Floridian. "History has its eyes on [us]" because we are where this movement started. I thank my favorite artists for whom I have immense respect for putting together a beautiful musical message of hope and solidarity. 

It's no secret I bleed blue. But that doesn't matter. To quote one of these brave students: 

"This is not a race issue, a religious issue, and it's definitely not a political issue. This is a morality issue." (QUOP) 

Fit and Fabulous pt. 2: New 'do, new you?

QUOP

Last Sunday, I got my hair cut and highlighted (highlit?).  It looks FABULOUS. And may I just say, Nicholas Ashmore in St. Pete, FL is very talented. He had me in an out in less than 2 hours! (Ladies, as you all well know, highlighting by itself usually takes that long, not including cut). I just felt like it was time for a change (especially when one has a Groupon 😉. 

Change, to me, is a rejuvenation. It's a reset re-centering on anyone's journey, specifically my own journey to be fit and fabulous. I've covered fit already a few times in previous posts, mostly because I've had a lifelong battle that I'm still fighting with fitness and being confident with my weight. It's a battle I should probably stop fighting and learn to embrace because fighting against my love of junk food and my body-shaming thoughts is EXHAUSTING.  However, looking beautiful on the outside makes you want the rest of your outside to catch up, and then the inside follows. 

This is ME

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (The only reason I'm saying it in this post is the last 2 were catching up).  Who likes my picture? This is when I was about 25 pounds heavier in a beautiful part of the Emerald Isle itself... Ireland! I think I look enormous in this picture, but my size certainly doesn't detract from the fact I love my happy smiling face, hair, and the background. I am ME! (Just like the songs from Camp Rock, and, more recently, The Greatest Showman). 

I'm writing this as my amazing boyfriend picks something to watch on Netflix. (Why is it so difficult to choose?) He finally picked Turner and Hooch (which I love Tom Hanks but I hate slobbery dogs). So I'm skeptical because all I really want to do is watch Cupcake Wars 😂...I mean the movie's cute, but that dog is horrible and disgusting. HE LIED TO ME ABOUT THE ENDING OF THIS STUPID MOVIE! Which I watched all of, thanks to him 😑. It was annoyingly cute. But I digress. 

Well back to my point. It's tricky being an individual isn't it? Society is all about conformity, and the various regions of the world correlate to different levels of conformity. However, as someone who's always been reluctant to conform, sometimes even confused by societal norms, I can honestly say I have never rarely conformed to who or what people expected of me. I went from standing up for the outcast, to trying desperately to fit in, to being feeling like an outcast myself, to embracing my individuality. It's odd though, because predictability annoys me almost as much as unpredictability. Oh well. "I'll keep marching out to the beat of my drum..."

"I am brave
I am proof
I am who I'm meant to be
This is me" - Keala Settle 

Side note: If you've never heard of Peter Hollens, go to his YouTube channel immediately. 

Fit and Fabulous

PSA: I haven't posted in like a WEEK, so this is going to be a 2-parter. 

Happy Spring Break! For those teachers and students enjoying their week off, congratulations! You made it 75% through the year! For those teachers and students not on break yet, your week will come quicker than you realize. For those non-teachers and non-students, you still get paid vacation whenever you please, so take it and enjoy whenever you feel like it. 

This week has been a whirlwind for me! I finished up the 3rd quarter with my students (which is what I meant when I said we were 75% through the year).  I also got to see my cousin and her husband visiting from D.C., and we had a blast Friday night. According to my cousin's husband "politics is a sport in [our] family," so that was mostly the topic of conversation. (Not going to get into that for this post, but probably will at some point.) 

Then, last Saturday morning, my mom and I completed a 5K at a local park here in Tampa. It was a glorious morning and we both had a great time! For those of you who don't know, a 5K is 3.1 miles. My beastly mom ran 2.1 of those miles consecutive! (Whereas your girl here still can't run more than a quarter of a mile consecutive. But I'll get there.) HOWEVER, I was the best time for my age group, which gobsmacked me (I've been watching Australia's Next Top Model on Hulu, so that's where I got that word.) My ever cool, calm, collected reaction was "Are you serious?" 😄 

I never thought I could push myself to do as well as I did in a fitness event! But, well here comes the QUOP. 

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - President FDR 

Long Days and Mini-Blessings

I finally told my parents about my self-research project (I know, I'm weak). It was more painless than I thought it would be. My dad also reminded me that he blogged when he did a service project in Brazil, so my parents aren't nearly as morally opposed as when I got my Tinder (not my brightest idea).

Although they still rain on my parade when I said I wanted a pig. (But come on, how cute are they?!)

My students are going CRAZY because spring break is in 3 days! I am so tired of their chaos today, especially because today was testing day 1 😜🙈.

HOWEVER, when I was doing my run/ walk today (14 min-mile today!), I found most of the Ramona books at a book swap station in my neighborhood. My students are LOVING Ramona Quimby, Age 8, which I'm reading to them right now. I was so excited! 

QUOP: "I hope children will be happy with the books I've written, and go on to be readers all of their lives." - Beverly Cleary 

Fit[ish] Girls

(Shay, I hope it's ok that I stole this title from you. 😁😁)

I suppose that's what I'm doing with this blog and the self- research project (another "Daniellism"). It's scary as hell to be on a pursuit of self-improvement and discovery, but it's necessary. How else will we make our lives fulfilling and worthwhile? 

As I was on my walk today (17 min. mile pace, holler!), I was thoroughly enjoying the cool FL weather and appreciating what my body can do and how it feels when I move it.  I still have a long way to g(r)o(w) to achieve optimum mental and physical fitness (can you believe they're both things?), but it's so worth it to be on the journey. 


This song is probably super corny to most, but I think it's really moving. 

QUOP: "Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness." - Plato 

Audrey's Academy Awards Analysis

As I sat there watching the Oscars last night, here are some random thoughts in my mind. 

- I think I’m the only 11-year-old who sat through all 3 hours of The Sound of Music. As such, I’ve always loved Christopher Plummer and I’m thrilled he’s still acting. 

- Gary Oldman is a damn chameleon. I'm glad the makeup artists and he himself won awards. 

- Tiffany and Maya are DREAM TEAM. They were CRACKING ME UP. 

- The montage was great! I am an avid moviegoer and my dad and I were name-dropping the movies. 

- COCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost cried that it was so well-recognized. (I'm a Disney junkie also in case you haven't noticed).  Lee Unkrich is such a visionary! 

- I'm an old lady, so needless to say, I fell asleep way before they ended. Is anyone really surprised though, that Shape of Water won Best Picture? 

- Frances McDormand is a badass. 

I'll probably post something else after dinner, but I hope you enjoyed Audrey's Awards Analysis (yes, I like alliteration too. Can't you tell from my blog name?). 

Btw, special shoutout to Jordan for the positive feedback! Thank you for reading and responding! I had no idea how this was going to go but it's such fun!  

QUOP: Film is one of the three universal languages, the other two: mathematics and music.- director Frank Capra

My Life

I know this is the name of a fabulous Billy Joel song, but I just wanted to take some time to post more about my purpose in this project. 

I’ve chosen not to tell my parents about this project. I’m not sure how they’d feel about me broadcasting my private thoughts over the internet (although I’m not posting anything too personal. This isn’t that kind of blog). 

I’ve decided to take some “Daniadvice” (new word that combines my therapist’s name and advice). She says that when I’m starting something new (or doing anything in life) I should consider: 

What would I accomplish by sharing this with someone? 

What would happen if I do? 

If the outcome of sharing something is less than desirable, then don’t share it. People are judgmental, even when they don’t mean to be, and oftentimes sharing something you’re excited about does more harm than good. So enjoy your endeavors (and maybe share things with the Internet instead). 

QUOP: "... aah but sooner or later you sleep in your own space. Either way it's ok you wake up with yourself...I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone." - Billy Joel 

Side note: Billy actually wrote this song because he had to live with his parents for a time and he wanted them to realize he was going to be okay and he was more worried about living with himself. 

The traditional first post

Once upon a time, there was a depressed teenage girl who created a blog, knowing thinking no one would care. She just knew she had to express her feelings somehow because she had a lot to say and it needed to come out. 

Now, 10 years(!), 2 medications, and 5(?) therapists later, I still have a voice. It's a little more tempered and refined, thank God, but it still wants to come out. I am DONE trying to make everything perfect. So I'm taking a leap. Starting with this blog. I have no idea who will read it, but I don't care. I just hope someone, somewhere in the universal Internet sees my story and feels hopeful because of it. 

Opening yourself up is scary. Especially to strangers (therapists, Internet readers, etc.). However, it's cathartic as hell and it's a way to regain a balance in life while expressing oneself creatively (if you're doing it in blog, journal, podcast form). I need a better balance in life and I hope this will help me achieve it. 

Comment, share or message me anything you'd like. Just nothing mean or derogatory, please. Just exercising my right to free speech and you can exercise your right to ignore me and my blog. 

Quote Of the Post (QUOP): "Listen cowboy[s and cowgirls], courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."  - John Wayne