Friends

The Science of Friendships

Humans are social beings. That's a scientific fact. We need relationships physiologically to lower stress. Relationships and social connections also have been shown to lower the risk of cardiovascular disease.* However, as I'm sure we've all experienced, it is exceedingly difficult to create, cultivate, and maintain meaningful, lasting, positive, relationships.

My Friendship Story

Personally, my social skills didn't fully develop until I was in my teens. In grade school (aka elementary school), kids were nice to me, but I had no idea that they even wanted to be my friend. I thought they were just being nice. (I also had a low opinion of myself, but that's another day). 

In middle school, I tried to break out of the shell I was in previously, but I think I pushed a little too hard and probably rubbed people the wrong way when I was trying to become their friends. Again, maybe not. My social skills were not well-attuned. 

In high school, I tried to strike more of a social balance, but I still had difficulty keeping friends. I thought the seasons when we weren't as close meant they didn't care about me anymore. I didn't understand relationships change and evolve in their nature. I still struggle with that. I wanted those girls (and guy) to stay friends in the same way they always were. 

In college, I finally found a group that, for the most part, remained intact for a full 2 years (from my sophomore to senior year). We had some amazingly fun times. I will always carry those people and experiences with me. I communicate with a few of them almost 5 years later. 

Current Friendship Status

Currently, I have some friends I have a lot of respect and care very much for, and I try to keep in touch with them however and whenever I can. Unfortunately, I don't have any friends in my area, unless you count my awesome teacher colleagues with whom I work. Writing letters is so much fun! I write letters to 3 different friends, and I learn insights about them I didn't expect to. 

I have some friends who I still consider friends (or I would like to), but they are in a very different season in their lives than I am. I often wonder how I can become friends with them again. They're still in the same region and they're the same women, but because of their different season, how do I reach back out?  

How do we cope when we lose a friend?

Sometimes friends change too much, and they're not the same people you loved. Therefore, the friendship ends and is lost. I know whenever I've lost close friends, whether organically or through fallings-out, a little piece of my heart disintegrates as the relationship does. Obviously, change is part of life. Sometimes, there's nothing we can do but to let the friendship fade away like a painting left in the sun. I've learned that not all friendships last forever, but we should treasure those that remain intact as years pass.  

Pun of the Post (POP): "There are good ships and bad ships, but the best kind of ships are friendships." 

* In Good Company: NBC article

Shame

Hester Prynne is probably the most oversimplified but misunderstood character in literature.* 

OK so maybe not the most, but 
A) I'm prone to hyperbole, and 
B) I'm not familiar with every literary character. 

But I digress. 

That woman went through complete, utter hell. 

Because of her one mistake, she was barred from society. 

Because of her one indiscretion, she was forced to wear evidence of her mistake every day, in public, subject to ridicule. 

At least that scarlet "A" forced her to make peace with herself and come to grips with her mistake. Also, it would seem that the "A" also caused her to own up to her mistakes and have confidence in her choices, as evidenced in this passage. Plus, she conceived a beautiful child out of that ugly mess. (That would certainly be easier if it were the case with me. Children make all parts of my life better). 

Is a public display of your mistake easier than having an unseen "A"? Like a dark hand choking out your confidence and self-worth, it is very difficult to overcome the feeling of shame. I We are haunted by our mistake every time something remotely related to the indiscretion surfaces. I am You are terrified that someone will mention or reference it and the feelings will be renewed. 

I guess I we can learn something from Hester. Don't let your mistakes cause you to compromise your self-worth, and don't let shame overtake your acceptance of your choices.

QUOP: "In a moment, however, wisely judging that one token of her shame would but poorly serve to hide another, she took the baby on her arm, and, with a burning blush, and yet a haughty smile, and a glance that would not be abashed, looked around at her townspeople and neighbours. On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A."                                                                 - Nathaniel Hawthore, The Scarlet Letter, Chapter 2

*It's also been a long time since I read The Scarlet Letter, so forgive me if my plot points are a little off. 

Secrets

Why do we have secrets? For some of us, it's because there are parts of our personality or our past that we don't feel comfortable sharing. Or it's something we're ashamed of and we hide it from ourselves, so we are reluctant to share with other people as it's something we don't want to face. 

How do we decide if we should share a secret? For me, it's easy. If I've been open with someone on several levels, then I have no qualms with sharing because I feel like they already know most everything about me. We also have to gauge how the other person might react. In my case, I was coaxed into sharing. Because of the depths of my feelings, I thought it was the right time. 

When (if) we finally share them, how are we supposed to feel? I think it depends on how the other person reacts to the sharing of our secret, both external and implied.  For example, when I told my deepest, darkest secret to the person who has my heart and soul, they reacted better than I thought. Externally, they told me they still cared for me and the overall secret and its implications didn't affect their feelings for me. 

Implied is another matter. My secret is now a weapon in their hands. Something they can push back in my face because of human nature as well as the nature of the secret itself. It's already happened; less than 4 hours after I shared it. My heart is broken, but due to the vulnerability I exposed by virtue of sharing the secret, I feel like I deserve it. Let's hope this last secret I've kept from them isn't the dealbreaker. 

QUOP: "There are no secrets that time does not reveal." - Jean Racine

 What are your opinions on secrets? Drop a comment below. 

Unstructured Time Off

I literally have no idea when my last post was, but due to whirlwind weeks (another post I will be finishing up soon), this is my first chance to catch a breath and have my mind clear enough to write. 

I'm sure we all understand the concept of high-stress jobs, but with teaching, a common maxim is we squeeze a year's worth of work into 10 months, which is how we EARN our summer break. During the year, we push ourselves as much as humanly possible to get the goliath amount of tasks we need to get done. 

However, when we have time off, the routines and habits kind of fall by the wayside. We spend the whole day in our pajamas, watching Netflix and going on Facebook, and then we look up and it's 5pm. During my summer, I find it best to create structure, even if it's with habits and tasks I haven't done in a long time, or ever. 

Look at that, I got distracted again. 

A lot of times with a lack of structure comes a lack of certainty. For example, as much as it pains me to say this, I don't know if I'll be at my dream job next year. I'd love to be certain this summer, which would make structure easier. However, I have all this teaching recertification nonsense pending, which means I can't sign a contract until this bureaucratic BS is processed.  

When I was a kid, I remember being beside myself at the end of each school year because I HATED change. Even as an adult, although I accept it more, I still crave continuity. I was so looking forward to having a smooth transition, doing the same thing from 1 year to the next, which hasn't happened ever in my professional career. I'm learning and trying to accept that all I can do is everything I can on my end, and put my faith in God and the system for the rest. 

QUOP: "Change is always tough. Even for those who see themselves as agents of change, the process of starting a new thing can cause times of disorientation, uncertainty, and insecurity."                                                     - Joyce Meyers