Failure and Shame

Let's bring this word back with part 2 of my previous blog post. 

Shame. 

How does your body react when you say or think this word? Mine visibly tenses and shivers. It turns out, we can't regulate the idea/ feeling of shame as readily as other emotions. 

I just listened to a Typology podcast about shame as felt through each Enneagram type. (If you don't know what the Enneagram is, this podcast will tell you. I'll also do a follow-up post about the Enneagram). In it, the guest, Dr. Curt Thompson, explained the physiological and spiritual origins of shame. It was such a huge insight for me in light of the book I'm planning to write about failure. How often do we feel shame in association with a mistake we've made or a failure we've experienced? How young are we when we start to experience these 2 bullies (failure and shame) in tandem? My specific Enneagram type feels shame when we make mistakes. And of course, the shame is amplified because of my inner critic, or the voice in my head that constantly reminds me how inadequate I am. 

I had an unfortunate incident this week involving an angry parent. She targeted me directly with outlandish accusations and caused everyone in my school office to bend over backward in order to pacify her.  When my principal discussed the matter with me, my shame level was immeasurable. She asked me some basic questions about documentation, and I had to tell her I didn't have any. That's a big no-no in teaching. Even though she was diplomatic and understanding with me, I felt so much guilt in my role in this altercation. The "shoulda coulda woulda" mind took over as it often does when we make a mistake. 

So what do we do about it? 

We give it to God. 

The very next day, I wrote in my prayer journal.  I wrote in my Bible verse journal. I made a conscious decision to let the shame go. To trust in my abilities and believe that I am a good teacher in spite of this person trying to make me feel otherwise. I did what was in my power to rectify the mistake, just like in The Scarlet Letter. Hester Prynne remained true and steadfast to her faith and her church, the very people who persecuted her for having an illegitimate child in the first place. She received her reward in her community realizing that they judged her too harshly. I receive my reward in loving on my students and parents who appreciate me walking out my calling. 

Don't get me wrong, this was a rather cataclysmic incident. I'm still feeling some serious discomfort and anxiety. But I get to choose to wear the A. And I'm taking it off. 

Shame

Hester Prynne is probably the most oversimplified but misunderstood character in literature.* 

OK so maybe not the most, but 
A) I'm prone to hyperbole, and 
B) I'm not familiar with every literary character. 

But I digress. 

That woman went through complete, utter hell. 

Because of her one mistake, she was barred from society. 

Because of her one indiscretion, she was forced to wear evidence of her mistake every day, in public, subject to ridicule. 

At least that scarlet "A" forced her to make peace with herself and come to grips with her mistake. Also, it would seem that the "A" also caused her to own up to her mistakes and have confidence in her choices, as evidenced in this passage. Plus, she conceived a beautiful child out of that ugly mess. (That would certainly be easier if it were the case with me. Children make all parts of my life better). 

Is a public display of your mistake easier than having an unseen "A"? Like a dark hand choking out your confidence and self-worth, it is very difficult to overcome the feeling of shame. I We are haunted by our mistake every time something remotely related to the indiscretion surfaces. I am You are terrified that someone will mention or reference it and the feelings will be renewed. 

I guess I we can learn something from Hester. Don't let your mistakes cause you to compromise your self-worth, and don't let shame overtake your acceptance of your choices.

QUOP: "In a moment, however, wisely judging that one token of her shame would but poorly serve to hide another, she took the baby on her arm, and, with a burning blush, and yet a haughty smile, and a glance that would not be abashed, looked around at her townspeople and neighbours. On the breast of her gown, in fine red cloth, surrounded with an elaborate embroidery and fantastic flourishes of gold thread, appeared the letter A."                                                                 - Nathaniel Hawthore, The Scarlet Letter, Chapter 2

*It's also been a long time since I read The Scarlet Letter, so forgive me if my plot points are a little off.