Failure and Shame

Let's bring this word back with part 2 of my previous blog post. 

Shame. 

How does your body react when you say or think this word? Mine visibly tenses and shivers. It turns out, we can't regulate the idea/ feeling of shame as readily as other emotions. 

I just listened to a Typology podcast about shame as felt through each Enneagram type. (If you don't know what the Enneagram is, this podcast will tell you. I'll also do a follow-up post about the Enneagram). In it, the guest, Dr. Curt Thompson, explained the physiological and spiritual origins of shame. It was such a huge insight for me in light of the book I'm planning to write about failure. How often do we feel shame in association with a mistake we've made or a failure we've experienced? How young are we when we start to experience these 2 bullies (failure and shame) in tandem? My specific Enneagram type feels shame when we make mistakes. And of course, the shame is amplified because of my inner critic, or the voice in my head that constantly reminds me how inadequate I am. 

I had an unfortunate incident this week involving an angry parent. She targeted me directly with outlandish accusations and caused everyone in my school office to bend over backward in order to pacify her.  When my principal discussed the matter with me, my shame level was immeasurable. She asked me some basic questions about documentation, and I had to tell her I didn't have any. That's a big no-no in teaching. Even though she was diplomatic and understanding with me, I felt so much guilt in my role in this altercation. The "shoulda coulda woulda" mind took over as it often does when we make a mistake. 

So what do we do about it? 

We give it to God. 

The very next day, I wrote in my prayer journal.  I wrote in my Bible verse journal. I made a conscious decision to let the shame go. To trust in my abilities and believe that I am a good teacher in spite of this person trying to make me feel otherwise. I did what was in my power to rectify the mistake, just like in The Scarlet Letter. Hester Prynne remained true and steadfast to her faith and her church, the very people who persecuted her for having an illegitimate child in the first place. She received her reward in her community realizing that they judged her too harshly. I receive my reward in loving on my students and parents who appreciate me walking out my calling. 

Don't get me wrong, this was a rather cataclysmic incident. I'm still feeling some serious discomfort and anxiety. But I get to choose to wear the A. And I'm taking it off. 

Year of the Book

 Welcome back, friends. It's been a while. 

Today I completed a training with the incomparable Hannah Brencher. She is the best-selling author of books such as Come Matter Here and Fighting Forward. Her passion is to encourage people to find their voice as a writer, and she certainly reminded me of mine. 

This summer, I went to Costa Rica. (You know it's always gonna come back to travel on this blog, kids).  There was a lot of bus travel with canvassing the entire country, making 3 stops in vastly different regions. Monteverde is Costa Rica's best-kept secret, so you need to go there if you love mountains and greenery.   With all that bus travel,  I had a lot of time to read. (Don't ask me how I didn't get car sick. I was always in the front of the bus, so that always helps.) One of the books I had the pleasure of reading was Come Matter Here (mentioned above). Y'all, I CRIED my eyes out. It was as though Hannah pushed a boulder away from a cave I was living in for 15 years and shone a flashlight in asking "Does anyone else feel this way?" It was about Hannah's personal journey through depression and how she learned to be present in a world that tells you the destination and the victory are what's important. 

After reading that book, God tapped me on the shoulder and said "Have I got a book for you, sis. You're gonna be a writer." And boy, did I listen to that little voice inside me. I spent the next 40 minutes on the bus typing out chapter titles, book titles, and concepts in my iPhone's Notes app, praying the battery would last. I bought Hannah's Writing Intensive course (which was a serious financial investment), and I was fired up. 

My idea was basically about failure. Why we fail, what happens when we fail, our fear of failure, different failures people experience in different phases of life, how to get back up, how doubt and failure are connected, on and on and on. 

And then life happened. 

This school year has been the hardest I have ever experienced as an educator. I had no idea how hard it was going to be to have 50(!) kids return to school, some who hadn't set foot in a building for 13 months, and it falling to me to reteach them what being a student looks like in a make or break year. In some ways, the past 6 months have felt like I've fallen flat on my face and cars have been running over me like a squirrel that darted out in the middle of the road. 

So when the Year of the Book email was sent to me by Hannah's team, the little voice was like "Make the investment. Try one more time." SO glad I did. Today was an affirmation that I am qualified to be a writer and the fears and doubts I've felt are excuses and lies that are paralyzing me from realizing the calling God has on my life. 

I am made for more (to quote another title I've been reading with my Bible study group).  And this year, I will be an author.